Fiction: Emily Dickinson Offers Lovelorn Advice to Lady Chatterley, Via Aunt Sexy (Humor)

Emily Dickinson and Lady Chatterley*
Dear Aunt Sexy,

I am most distressed and fear that I might be heading in a wrong direction that will affect my social standing tremendously, creating much ill-will from my husband, who is much infirmed. He is the master of an important coal mine and other assets, including a very old estate with many servants and priceless family heirlooms.
We married before he went off to war, and he returned wounded, without the use of his legs and, most unfortunately, his manhood. Of course, he is embarrassed about his lack and has suggested that I make an appointment with the Holy Ghost, who would surely see to it that dear Clifford would have his heir. It has been implied that I should find a young man of high social standing and not reveal his identity to Clifford, who realizes that his lack would mean the end of the line for the family name.
My problem: I am still young and very lonely for romantic male companionship, not just a surrogate sire for my future child. The young candidates I have met so far have left me cold and bored.
Alas, I have found the man who makes me weak in the knees, but he is low in the social order, a mere gamekeeper on our estate.
I am embarrassed to admit that I spied on Oliver as he washed (naked) at a water pump and have secretly watched him chopping wood, his chest bared.
Finally, I accidentally (on purpose) met him at a brooding hut, just as he was caring for the eggs for this year’s chicks.
While he was most cruel and disrespectful to me about my and Clifford’s social class, I am quite certain he feels a wild attraction to me as I do toward him.
I would very much like for Oliver to sire my child, but Clifford would not approve of our estate employee siring his child. Social class is very important to my husband, and he would certainly see the offspring of Oliver as a bastard child, not an heir to his estate.
Do you think it would be acceptable to pretend that my child’s natural father is of our class? How would Clifford ever know the true parentage of the Chatterley child? After all, the child would be raised with all the advantages of the upper class – first-class tutoring, University education, world travel, the finest of everything.
Please respond as soon as possible, for next week, I have a secret meeting with Oliver, and my situation is growing increasingly urgent.

Yours very truly,

Ah, my dear Constance,

As an American woman in the 21st century, I must admit that 1920’s England and its social structure never fail to bewilder me. Watching the servants of Downton Abbey struggle to pamper their upper crust employers makes me weary.
I mean, really, can’t the Earl of Grantham don his own overcoat, and must Lady Mary Crawley bother sweet Anna every night with the combing of her hair and all that folderol with her tiara and jewels?
But I digress.
Being a child of 1960’s, I can’t help but feel that your problem is not a problem but an opportunity to grab life by the horns and enjoy your sexy gamekeeper. Go out into that brooding hut and roll around in the hay and engage in some clean wild sex.
Your husband, the poor invalid that he is, must understand that you have needs he cannot fulfill. You have said nothing about divorce or a separation – I can only conclude those are not options. In addition, it is commendable that you are willing to have a child for your husband’s family line. In my humble opinion, you have the right to select the sire for the actual deed, Clifford’s snootiness notwithstanding, and who says you mustn’t experience some joy in the process? You have not mentioned anything about making a life with Oliver, which, in your era, would be shocking and unacceptable.
I get that.
But do take care, for your feelings for your sexy gamekeeper could evolve into something much more complicated than you have originally intended.
As for telling Clifford about the gamekeeper, I would turn to Emily Dickinson, a young American poet who lived from 1830 to 1886, for the best answer that would fit within your time and class:

Tell all the truth but tell it slant,
Success in circuit lies,
Too bright for our infirm delight
The truth’s superb surprise;

As lightning to the children eased
With explanation kind,
The truth must dazzle gradually
Or every man be blind.

– Emily Dickinson

Good advice from a young American poet who probably understands your plight better than I would.

Best to you,
Aunt Sexy



“Emily Dickinson Offers Lovelorn Advice to Lady Chatterley, Via Aunt Sexy,” © copyright 2022 - present, by Jennifer Semple Siegel, may not be reprinted or reposted without the express permission of the author.


For Literary Agents...

Jennifer's Cloud

20th Century Poetry 21st Century Fiction 21st Century Poetry A Grave Digger in Search of a Body A Long Bio A Short Bio A Slice of Life Abe Lemons About Jennifer About Jennifer's Sites About My Blogs About My Sites Abrahami Acrostic Advance Obituaries Advance Obituary Advanced Obituaries Advanced Obituary Advice Aging Aging Boomers Aging Issues Airline Safety Al Boliska Albert Einstein Allegory Alternate Universe American Poetry Angela's Ashes Anger Anne Bernays Antagonist Apollo 11 Apollo 8 Are You EVER Going to be Thin? (and other stories) Articles Articles and Resources Astronauts Aunt Sexy Babies Baby Boomers Backward Story Banner Credit Baseball Bat Boy the Musical Beginning Bio Blogs Cal Ripken Jr. Cal Ripken's last game Casinos Catholic Church Character List Characterization ChatGPT Cherokee Iowa Cherokee Mental Institute Child Child's Letter Childhood Childhood Memory Children Christmas Story Climax College Professors Conflict Contact Contact Jen Contact Jennifer Controversy Copyright Counter Culture Creation Creative Writing Creativity Curriculum Vitae CV CV: Education CV: Employment CV: Honors and Awards CV: Offices and Memberships CV: Professional Activities CV: PUblications Cyril and Methodius University of Skopje D.H. Lawrence Dear Aunt Sexy Death Death and Dying Denzel Washington Description Details Dialogue Divorce Drama Drama: The Queen Bee (A Playlet) Dramady Dream Dreams Dying Dylan Thomas Dynamic Characters Dysfunction Dystopia Dystopian nonfiction Dystopian Poetry Earth Earthrise Eleanor Roosevelt Elements Elements of Fiction Elements of Fiction: Character List Elements of Fiction: Characterization Elements of Fiction: Other Elements Elements of Fiction: Point of View Elements of Fiction: Structure Elements of Nonfiction Emily Dickinson Emily Dickinson Offers Lovelorn Advice... Epiphany Escape Essay Essay Poem Essay Review Essay: A Cautionary Tale (At 18 Did I REALLY Say That?) Essay: Gate Crashers Essay: Running Away Essay: Sixteen Horny Women in Search of a Poet Essay: The Concert (A Dream) Essays Ethics Eulogy Excerpt Excerpts Excerpts – Memoir Madness: Driven to Involuntary Commitment Falling Action Family Family Drama Family Relationships Family Reunion Fantasy Fathers Feminist Poetry Ferry 'Cross the Mersey Fiction Fiction Review Fiction: "Are You EVER Going to be Thin?" Fiction: *Time Nymph* Fiction: + J.M.J + Fiction: A Reporter Three Orioles and an Astronaut’s Family (The Grand Experiment) Fiction: Peer or Self Review of a Short Story Fiction: Two ChatGPT Stories Fire First Person Flash Fiction Flash Non-fiction Flash Nonfiction Fold Me Up Folding For Literary Agents... Forgotten Rooms Formal Essay Frank McCourt Free Verse Fulbright Scholar Gate Crashers gender General Guidelines for Peer Reviewing Creative Works Gerry and the Pacemakers Ghosts gunas haiku Hey Hey little trollie Hidden Rooms Hippies Homelessness Horny Women Horny Women at the Sewing Factory Humor I Came I Saw I Kicked A$$ – and I Didn’t Die on December 5 1984 I Died on December 5 1984... I Have COPD Goddammit... In Waiting Informal Essay Interview Interviews Involuntary Commitment Iowa Ironclad Rules Ironclad Rules for Creative Writing Jack Kerouac Jazz (Haiku) Jeff Jeffer Jennifer Jennifer Semple Jennifer Semple Siegel Jennifer Writing Jennifer's Advanced Obituary Jennifer's Blogs Jennifer's Books Jennifer's CV Jennifer's Fiction Jennifer's Long Bio Jennifer's Nonfiction Jennifer’s Other Writing Websites Jennifer's Poetry Jennifer's Short Bio Jennifer's Sites Jennifer's Story Jennifer's Writing JenniferRIP Jerry Siegel Journal Journaling Journaling or Memoiring: Private Vs. Public Writing Joy Ufema Lady Chatterley’s Lover Larry Rubin Letter Letters Life Changes Long Short Story Love Lovelorn Advice Made-up Words Margaret Atwood marriage Mary Riley Mass Shootings Massacres Meet Your Pilot Memoir Memoir Madness Memoir Madness (Excerpts) Memoir Madness: Caged (Prologue) Memoir Madness: Driven to Involuntary Commitment Memoir Review Memoir Traps Memoirist Memoirs Mental Institutions Messages Monologue Mothers Music My Fiction My Long Bio My Name is (Also) Jeffer My Short Bio Name Names Narrative Nonfiction NASA nature Nature Poetry Non-fiction Non-fiction Review Nonfiction Nonfiction: Self or Peer Review of a Personal Essay or Memoir North Macedonia Not-so-great Poetry Nursing Homes Nymph**Time Obit Obituaries Obituary Objective Point of View Objective POV Objective Viewpoint Obsessions Ocean Waves October 6 2001 On My Husband's Retirement Oral Histories Oral History Orioles Over 50 Years Ago: Apollo 11 – First Men on the Moon. Where were You? Pamela Painter Peer Review Pems Personal Essay Philosophy Photo Credit – NASA Play Plays Plot Poem Poems Poetry Poetry in Motion Poetry review Poetry: “Street People (1969) Poetry: How Not to Send Out a Poem Poetry: On Resubmitting Her Creation Poetry: Self or Peer Review of a Poem Poetry: Thy Daily Dread Point of View POV Pregnancy Primary Characters Privacy Privacy and Copyright Notice Private Writing Prologue Protagonist Psychedelic Bingo Psychodrama Public Writing Puns Quick Links rajas Reality Play Reality T.V. Religion Resolution/Dénouement Resources Resources: Articles and Elements of... Résumé Retirement Review Rhetorical Nonfiction Rising action Rules Running Away Satire sattva Scene Science Fiction Scope Second Person Secondary Characters Secret Rooms Self Review Senior Citizens Sestina Sestinas Setting Sexuality Short Bio Short Fiction Short short story Short Stories Short Story Short Story Collection Short Story Review Show Simple Rules Sites Skopje Snark Sons Spoof Spoofs Sports Starlings Static Characters Stories Story Structure Story-poem Street People (1969) Summary Symbolism Table of Contents Table of Contents: CV tamas Tell All the Truth Telling Tense The Deep Room The Long Bio The Pacemaker The Politics of Memoir The Politics of Memoir and the Making of Memoir Madness The Room Where I Never Go The Short Bio The Trash Can of L.A.: A Reality Play Thematic Sites Theme Themes Third Person Third Person Limited Third Person Omniscient Third Person Singular Three Basic Rules Thy Daily Dread Time Tone Trollie Trolls TSA Tupac Shakur Viewpoint Webpages Websites Weight Weight Issues What If? Why I Write Why You Dear Writer Should Write Your Own Obituary Wikipedia Women Writer Writers Writing Writing Exercise: The Objective Point of View Writing Exercises Writing Purpose Writing the Memoir Yoga Principles York College of Pennsylvania York Pennsylvania YT ONG Zomja
Show more

Privacy and Copyright Notice

Photo Credit – NASA

The banner on this site has been created from one of the most iconic photos in modern history: Earthrise as viewed from the Moon. More

Copyright Notice

All creative works posted here are © by Jennifer Semple Siegel, 1969 - present, and may not be reprinted or reposted without permission of the author. All creative works posted on this website are by Jennifer Semple Siegel, unless otherwise specified. Unattributed artwork has been AI generated, and some have been remixed.