Letter: From a Mother to Her Daughter
A Letter from a Mother to Her Daughter _________________________________ |
Note: As I was organizing a box of
memorabilia, I ran across a letter from my mother, postmarked January 13, 1979,
four months before she died in her sleep due to acute alcoholism. I believe it
is one of the last letters she ever wrote, certainly her last letter to me.
She was 48, younger than I
am now, an alcoholic for most of her adult life – certainly most, if not all,
of my life.
I was 28, juggling single
parenthood, full-time college studies, and a part time job.
I have posted, without
editing (other than replacing names with initials) or editorial, this letter,
minus specific identifying information.
This decision to publish
has not come lightly – I have no wish to “beat up” up on my late mother – but
if one person reads this and decides to stop drinking and get help, then it
will have been worth it. In a weird sort of way, my mother, in a sober state,
would have likely agreed...
Sober, she was one of the
sweetest people alive and extremely bright and artistically talented, potential
mostly unrealized.
Sad.
She was never mean to me,
sober or drunk – she saved her vitriol for her husbands, whether they deserved
it or not, and, mostly, they did not, at least from my perspective.
Please note that I’m not
anti-drinking – many people are able to drink responsibly – but some people
just can’t handle alcohol, and Mom was one of them.
Period.
Simi
Valley, Calif.
Dear
Jeffer [Nickname],
I
thank you for the call last night but I’m afraid we talked a long time.
I
got a letter from M. to-day. She said she was going to D.C. with Mrs. L I don’t
know if she she means Washington, Dodge City or Dakota City
but she won’t be coming out here planned in Feb. C. was coming too. Maybe she
will anyway – I hope so. I lost [my dog] a year ago, the 27th of Jan. and she
was here. I took him to the Vet, he couldn’t stand up on his back legs and that
happened in just a couple of hours – He’d been wobbly on those legs but they
went all at once – I had made the appt. with the Vet that morning but he got so
bad he could hardly get in the car – Well, it was check out time for him, much
as I wanted to keep him going, I knew that he’d be miserable and so would we.
He’d lost control of his bowels the sphincter muscles were shot all of a sudden
– I had him 11 years and I went over to pet him and he put that big paw up to
shake hands, his eyes brinning over with trust in me and I had to shit can him!
The
day after, L. & I got married legally. M. bugged him from Simi to Hollywood
and that’s not a 10 block drive – He’d have said yes to anything! “Dear God,
get her off my back!” We beefed all the way to the preachers and C. loved every
minute of it – When we got there, the Revereands wife took down the information
and said “Come on down now Honey Babe” & here comes the preacher, the
incredible Hulk – The house shook – He was huge – Have C. show you the pictures
– When she and L.D. were out in the spring I said “What are you peddling this
time?” She said “I wonder if he does divorces” Next time she’ll be peddling
Leprosy!
Sat.
It
was pouring rain yesterday and gray all day but the Sun is out to-day and it’s
beautiful. I love summer here. I stay outside most of the time – We don’t have
any air conditioning but it isn’t near as hot as Canoga Park (remember that
blistering heat?) I live in bathing suits all summer – Wish the 3 of you could
come out – We’ve got a big house, 2 patios and a pool –
Sunday
I
got out & got some stamps to-day – Funny how stamp can cost $23.00! I’m
kidding, I got some parson tables on sale for $3.00 The kids eat off them and
the ones I had were shot to hell. I picked up some dog food & blew myself
to a $5.00 bottle of wine which I will keep mum about – I’m not supposed to
drink at all but the Dr. conceded I could as long as I didn’t go overboard. I
haven’t and I make sure I eat and take vitamins – For about the last five year
I drank every day – just beer but if I missed a day it was a mistake! First, I
gained so much weight none of my clothes fit – then I dropped it so fat I didn’t
realize how thin I was getting. I had D. to the surgeon for consultation and I
got on his scale and thought it was broken – I was under 100 lbs. and didn’t
realize it and set the scale at 100 – I didn’t go down in a heap, one day I
felt like I had to belch and it would only go up so far and stab me around the
heart so I went in the hospital late at night and waged battle with the Dr. for
8 days – After the pain, I enjoyed the rest – I really didn’t care if I was
released or not – Color T.V., Real good food.
(I
always lay a pen down and can’t find it) Anyway I went in weighing 88 lbs I was
so pissed off at L. and still am – He was in a bar as usual and wanted S. to
take me to the hospital but S. would have stayed at his apt. had he taken me as
he lives close to it – So L. got smart ass with me but came home reluctantly
and took me – Poor S. got stuck with the kids for the 8 days – all this crap
has been choking me and I ble BLEW up like I never have that I
recall – It was like a Volcano of shit erupting I let him go for about 9 years
but he never quit – It’s started to show on him and he has no consideration as
far as coming home for dinner etc. and is rude – or he was – I turned him every
way but loose – It’s now 2:00 A.M. Monday and he’s out yet, but I have to put
some food away and I’ll be dammed if I’ll run into him so I’ll wait wait until
he plants down for the night – what’s left of it & if he gets here It’s
almost 3:00 A.M. now and I pray he hasn’t gotten busted again
Joy
Boy showed up between 3:30 & 4:00 and was noisy as hell. I had dozed off so
I just took up where I left off – I wish he would leave for a while but it’s
not likely – I told him I’d leave but that wouldn’t solve anything unless he
would home, no stops, just get here During the eruption, I told him no one
would put up with his action – It’s not a night out with the boys – It’s not
once a week, It’s 7 days every day
Monday
I’ve
been bitching so much it’s got to be a drag
It’s
a two edged sword Hon, I can’t stand him around half the day
Had
dinner and I fell asleep
Wed.
1:00 A.M.
If
I don’t finish this soon I’ll be senile. I’m not at my peak I’m depressed but
it will pass I can’t help but face reality and the reality isn’t realilistic in
view of the inflation. L. put his ass in the bind he’s in and it was
stubborness – The manager told him not to go have a drink while he was working
– That’s exactly what he did. I can see both sides but L. was wrong in as much
as he more or less said F -- You and the manager walked in and canned him on
the spot – So he’s working for the same guy right across the street and it’s
like Siberia – He was in the drivers seat & goofed
I
mixed up – I meant the same guy he worked for prior to the Ford store –
Goodie!
I found my black pen again (Lost the green one)
Friday
–
What
size does E. wear? I’ve got some things around – Damn it I just gave a bunch of
stuff away. The kids are growing faster than they are wearing things out D. is
in a 14 slim & F. still wears huskies although he’s slimmed down a lot – He’s
a big kid – D.’s pants are all high water he’s grown so fast I’ll dig around
for toys they don’t play with and stack them in my room – I have to look in the
garage, closets, etc. and I’ll send them to E. I feel bad about not sending him
things but we are feeling the crunch real bad too. I’ve already gotten to
gether 2 games (intact, believe it or not) F. has got some stuff stashed away –
They’re past the toy stage. I didn’t go crazy this X mas but they were
satisfied. Unfortunetly, the older they get the more expensive it gets. I got
one of those Soda streams (they make their own pop) I’m happy to say, it’s not
messy and I haven’t tasted it but F. said it’s better than the soda pop you buy
– They had a thing on T.V. that said they were coming out with some thing to
make bubble gum – I cringed at the thought, I could picture a web of buble gum
all over the house plus a gum fight. I’m too old for that shit! If I was 12 I’d
be too old for it!
We’ve
got another German Shepard. He scares the crap out [scribble] of every one that
comes here He snarls & barks & looks crazy but I don’t have to worry
about any intruders – Last summer some kids had some dangerous fireworks that
were [scribble] against the law and were real little bombs – They drove me
crazy and every dog on the street was having fits and I called the parents and
told the Dad I just couldn’t take it anymore. He brought them up from Mexico.
He wouldn’t stop them and as much as I hate the Fuzz I finally called them and
found out they’d been called so many times for this corner they might as well
moved in. It took them 2 hours to get here and as it was so hot I said “Let’s
go out back” The dog raised hell and the cop slammed the sliding door as was
ashy gray colored. I said “he won’t bite” I chained him up and they still
wouldn’t go out that door so I took them through the family room & out that
way – They were so big I could hardly move more than eye level with their navel
but if they busted me, they’d hand cuff me like the arch fiend of the century!
I’ve
got a little white cockapoo named Toughie or Tuffy. She backs that dog down
hands down and bites him on the balls. As I’m quite small, I learned that if
you can’t whip them, you sure can tangle up under their feet –
Before
I close, I want to tell you how proud I am of you to be going to college and
running a home & raising a son. It takes guts!
Love, Mom
P.S. I feel much better than I did when I
started.
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